Should I file for divorce right away. . . or wait?

Many of my clients ask whether they should file right away, or wait, so let's talk about that.

As a general rule, my answer is that there's really no right or wrong answer to the question of when you should file, and I always tell clients that you should take the time you need to make what really is a very personal decision.

So the right answer is whatever the right answer is for you.

I have no timer or deadlines for you.

However long you want to take, I’ll be here when you need me.

With that said, there are scenarios in which I tell people that the passage of time or the passage of more time before filing may not be particularly helpful to them.

So let me tell you what they are.  Consider whether these scenarios apply to you as you decide whether or not it is the right time for you to file for divorce.

1.     You're not physically safe.

If there is any level of domestic violence that is occurring -- or has occurred -- in the marriage, then you know it.  People have an instinct about these things.  We know when we are in a safe physical space and when we are not.

If you believe that you or your children may be physically unsafe in your home, then I want to talk to you about moving yourself and your children to a safe place as soon as possible.  That might mean first securing other living arrangements before you file (even if the other living arrangements are temporary -- meaning, you stay at the temporary safe space until your spouse is ordered to vacate your home, and then you return to the home.)

Nothing else in this process can happen correctly until and unless you and your children are safe.  So your safety is the very first priority.

2.     You don't know when money is coming in and out, or where it is going.

Once we're both satisfied that you're safe, the second issue that I talk to clients about in terms of how quickly they should file or not is the question of whether or not money is starting to disappear.

Of course, money never just magically disappears.

What I mean is, are the patterns changing in terms of how money comes into your household and goes out of your household?  That could come in several forms.

For instance, if you start to see large account withdrawals that are happening for no specific or identifiable reason -- meaning, money's going out that didn't go out before and there's not any particular reason why that should be happening.

Or, credit card debt that is suddenly increasing in a pattern that is unlike what was happening in the past, and there's no identifiable reason for that.

And certainly any withdrawals from retirement accounts, again where this was no a pre-planned or joint decision.

These are red flags pointing you toward filing sooner rather than later.

When money starts to disappear, it's going to be a lot easier for you to track it down one month from now compared to six months from now.

3.     You don't want the current parenting schedule to be the permanent parenting schedule.

How often and under what conditions are you seeing your children?  Are you satisfied with that schedule? Is your spouse dictating to you the conditions under which you see your children?

There is no presumed parenting schedule when married parties consider divorce or start living separately, and one spouse does not automatically have the legal authority to dictate when the other spouse sees the children.

My advice in that scenario, typically, is to file sooner rather than later, especially if your spouse will not voluntarily loosen the restrictions on you seeing the children.

Allowing too much time to pass is just giving that restrictive pattern or that status quo more traction.  More traction means it is more difficult later for you to change the pattern after the divorce is filed.

This comes up in the context where parties have separated, where parties are living separately, and particularly where one person has moved out of the marital home or the residence that the party shared, and the person that moved out is perhaps not seeing the children on a schedule that that person would be satisfied with as a permanent schedule. And perhaps the other parent who remains in the home is placing restrictions or conditions on your access to the children that you would not be agreeable to having on a long term basis. If that is your situation and you don't see realistically your spouse or partner changing that voluntarily, then that's a reason to get something filed so that you can get temporary orders in place around the parenting schedule before you let it go too much longer.

It's going to get harder as more time passes.

Do any of these scenarios apply to you?

If you're struggling to decide whether you should file now, or wait, I can help you decide.  Just click here to schedule an introductory conference with me.

Talk to you soon.